Crazier than a shithouse rat.

Stronger than mule piss with the foam farted off.

Finer than frog hair.

Drunker than a cowboy on Saturday night.

"Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor." Redd Foxx

Richer than six foot up a bull's ass.

Tighter than a bull's ass on fight night. (Also, tighter than a bull's ass during fly season.

Grinnin' like a possum eatin' shit out of a light socket.

Nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits.
The dog is nervous, one supposes, because of anxiety over the next painful peach pit passage.

"Awkward as a cub bear jackin' off with boxing gloves." Redd Foxx

Funnier than homemade dog shit.

No bigger than a pint of piss.

Queerer than a three dollar bill.

Smoother than a baby's ass.

Funnier than a on-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Also: Funnier than a one legged midget in an ass-kicking contest.

Busier than a one-armed paperhanger with the crabs.

Hornier than a two-peckered billy goat.

Fatter than a shithouse spider.
There're lots of flies around a shithouse, so the spider bulks up.

Slicker than the devil in velvet pants.

"Sharper than a basketball." Redd Foxx

Slicker than two eels fuckin' in a bucket of snot.

"Quicker than a fifth grade recess." Redd Foxx
To a fifth grader recess lasts about 15 seconds.

"Close as two coats of Kemtone." Redd Foxx

Standing there like a heifer in heat.

Grinnin' like a cat eatin' shit out of a hairbrush.

Slicker than shit through a tinhorn.

Colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere.
Here's a neat variation: It was so cold, a bunch of dudes were standing around warming their hands on a witch's tit!

Colder than the balls on a brass monkey.

Colder than a well digger's ass.

Colder than Grampa's prick.

Happier than a pig in shit.

Hotter than the hinges of Hell.

Tighter than a gnat's ass stretched over an oil drum.
(Neither Redd nor I could imagine anything tighter. MDJ)

Tighter than the bark on a tree.

Shinnin' like a diamond in a goat's ass.

As graceful as a deflated basketball.

Darker than inside a cow.

Grinning' like a shit eatin' possum.

Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

Happier than Michael Jackson in Boys' Town.

Hornier than a three-balled tomcat.

Hungry enough to eat the ass out of a skunk.

Excited as a blind queer in a hot dog factory.

Prettier than puppy turds.
Really, really, really pretty!

Smarter than a tree full of owls.

Faster than a cat can lick its ass.

Meaner than cat shit.

Sucks like a bucket of ticks.

Nervous as a whore in church.

Hungrier than a gutted snow bird.

Tougher than a 10-year-old rooster.

Weaker than puppy piss.

Faster than a dog can raise his leg.

Excited as a blind lesbian in a tuna cannery.

Louder than two skeletons fuckin' on a tin roof, using a beer can for a rubber.
Paints a pretty mental picture, doesn't it?

Slicker than greased owl shit.

Slicker than snot on a glass door knob.

Tighter than a crab's ass. (That's waterproof, folks)

Wilder than a peach orchard boar.

Worthless as a cup of cold piss.

Ugly enough to scare a bulldog off a gut wagon.

Drier than a popcorn fart.

Hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire.

Uglier than death with a hangover.
The kind of ugliness that is better imagined than seen!

Funnier than a fart in a space suit.

Funnier than Ex-Lax in a diarrhea ward.

Uglier than a dead monkey in moonlight.

Funnier than a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward.