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The Code of Dalton
Ignorance of the law is no excuse!
By Jesse Dalton, Law Giver
For the past two thousand years, mankind has lived
according to precepts etched into stone tablets, preached upon
a mountain top or set forth in sacred texts. Now, with the dawn
of a new millennium, Law Giver Jesse Dalton is back to give us
some practical rules to live by in this new age. Read 'em, learn
'em, there will be a test.
Section IV
A. CRIMINAL CUISINE
Anyone putting ketchup on a hot dog is guilty
of a misdemeanor.
Any person serving celery stuffed with peanut butter as an hors
d'oeuvre shall be guilty of a misdemeanor.
It shall be a felony to label any foodstuff "Fun Size."
Eating grits north of the Mason-Dixon Line is a misdemeanor.
Selling, transporting, or possessing any packaged foodstuff with
the word "Helper" in its name is a felony.
Ordering American food in a Chinese restaurant shall be deemed
a misdemeanor.
Anyone claiming to be a vegetarian who believes fish and chicken
are not "meat" shall be guilty of a felony.
Anyone admitting to having erotic fantasies about Ben and Jerry
is guilty of a felony.
Describing the taste of any exotic meat as "just like chicken"
is a misdemeanor.
Serving Velveeta and Spam sandwiches is a felony.
Fast-food employees who ask, "Would you like fries with that?"
are guilty of a misdemeanor.
Asking a 300-pound person the same question is a felony.
Ordering a decaf espresso is a misdemeanor.
A candy bar weighing more than one pound is a misdemeanor offense.
Going to Taco Bell for "real Mexican food" is a felony.
Offering liver and onions to a child is a misdemeanor.
B. A-HOLE CRIMES
Any male who promises to call a woman he has met
and who does not, in fact, call her is guilty of a felony.
Blaming one's flatulence on a household pet is a misdemeanor.
Saying, "But you have such a pretty face" to a fat woman
is a felony.
Any uncle requesting a nephew or niece to "pull my finger"
shall have committed a misdemeanor.
A man who spits out of his car window has committed a misdemeanor.
If done by a woman, it's a felony.
Anyone who has just worked out and goes to the grocery store in
their sweaty work-out clothes has committed a felony.
Asking a teenager, "What's that on your face?" is a
misdemeanor.
Refusing your mother a loan because she'll "just spend it
on groceries" is a misdemeanor.
Throwing a cigarette out a car window is a felony.
If, upon inspection, it is discovered that the car does, in fact,
have a working ashtray, it is a capital crime.
Anyone who plays their car stereo so loudly that it can be heard
by the occupant of another vehicle with all its windows rolled
up is guilty of a misdemeanor.
C. CRIMES OF PRETENSION
Anyone referring to their aunt as their "awnt"
has committed a misdemeanor.
Any man, who upon meeting a woman, says, "Enchanted, I'm
sure" is guilty of a misdemeanor.
However, he may not be prosecuted if the woman in question replies,
"You are too kind, sir."
Newscasters who pronounce a Spanish word with a heavy Spanish
accent in the middle of an English sentence are guilty of a misdemeanor.
Having a personalized license plate is a misdemeanor.
Handing someone a business card before saying hello is a misdemeanor.
A man who tells a woman, "I make John Holmes look like a
Boy Scout," has committed a felony. Unless, of course, it's
true.
Retired military officers who continue to use their military title
have committed a misdemeanor.
Any man trying to impress a woman by saying, "I rent my furniture
for tax purposes" has committed a misdemeanor.
Anyone using flowery language to describe a fine wine has committed
a misdemeanor.
Example: "It is evocative of the laugh of a peasant
girl"
It shall be illegal for a wine snob to say, "It has a good
nose," unless the bottle does, in fact, have a nose.
Putting initials after one's name that indicate rank or professional
degree is a misdemeanor. Anyone holding a Ph.D. who insists upon
being addressed as "Doctor" is guilty of a felony.
It shall be illegal for any male to describe himself as a feminist.
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