"There
was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser.
When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said,
'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn
"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week.
In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him."
—Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of
every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay
Leno
"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a
historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually
created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay
Leno
"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess
and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?"
—David Letterman
"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few
months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might
upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf
could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman
"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every
issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth
to that.' " —Craig Kilborn
"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem
for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat
operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing
damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill
should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats,
however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart
"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and
the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate
a clear message." —David Letterman
"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages.
Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig
Kilborn
"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert.
John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning
Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder.
He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq."
—Craig Kilborn
"Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him
to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year
and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could
have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him
to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well,
like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So,
now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the
only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." –David
Letterman
"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his
campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80
million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money.
Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting
Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." –Conan
O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two
of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben
from American Idol." –Jay Leno
"Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but
the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm:
falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response."
–Jon Stewart
"John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing
while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So
now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's
microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's
fly." –David Letterman
"John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on
a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place
where he first proposed to her — at her bank." –Jay
Leno
"John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim
that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins.
And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court
justices have told me that I'm going to win." –Jay
Leno
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection
for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions
on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him."
–Jay Leno
"Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like
you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin
who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe
Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." –Bill Maher
"In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November
he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq?
You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before."
–Jay Leno
"John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying
he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it
more like one in a trillion?" –Jay Leno
"Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second
black president since Clinton was considered the first black president.
A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize.
He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has
no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo
chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" –Jay
Leno
John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked,
lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because
Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking
with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little
uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got
a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." –Jay
Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said
that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.'
Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar
Heinz food fortune." –Jay Leno |
"John
Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners.
His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit."
—Craig Kilborn
"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish
vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring
in two languages." —Jay Leno
"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know
what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth
dating." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He
went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news
media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious.
... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact,
when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting
reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay
Leno
"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish
telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that
possible?" —Jon Stewart
"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek
magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president,
she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that
doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million
bucks'" —Jay Leno
"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser
before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost
of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot,
but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay
Leno
"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country
can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority
still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay
Leno
"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the
rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them."
—Jay Leno
"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential
candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period.
Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two
words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno
"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder
surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and
joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was
just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward."
—Jay Leno
"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out
the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it
on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn
"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking
at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe
he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have
vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them
now." –Jay Leno
"Senator John Kerry won the primaries last night. In fact,
in the rural areas, he got over 67 percent of the mullet vote."
–Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they
said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second
wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when
John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country,
he's not just talking. He's doing it!" –Jay Leno
"The White House began airing their TV commercials to re-elect
the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use
of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic
memory of a war in order to get elected unless, of course, it's
the Vietnam War." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from
the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take
the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can
spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at
his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man."
–Jay Leno
"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that
he's already planning his White House sex scandal." –David
Letterman
"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president.
Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash
and the sizzle." –Craig Kilborn
"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They
say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign
money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry
will marry him." –Jay Leno
"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on
his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can
sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." –Jay
Leno
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back
pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his
back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."
–Jay Leno
"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair
with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-
Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'"
–Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear
about this? Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny
rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John
Kerry. The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'"
–Conan O'Brien
"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying,
'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.'
Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John
Kerry.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists
feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say
when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero
over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to
mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." –Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said
his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife,
his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry
says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just
talking. He's doing it!" –Jay Leno |
