Help George
W. Write a Speech
by Paul Seaburn
Calling all Republicans! George W. Bush needs
your help. Did you hear his last speech? He sounded like a Texas
frat boy trying to play Trivial Pursuit at a keg party. So he's
fired all his speech writers that Dad gave him and sent them
back to their rest home in Connecticut where they sit around
and blame each other for writing "Read my lips." That's
where you come in. It's an easy job. You don't need a dictionary
or thesaurus because George W. doesn't want to baffle the American
public with his brilliance ... he just wants to make Al Gore
look like Clinton Lite, with one-third less moral character than
the regular Clinton. So grab your Mont Blanc pen or golf scorecard
pencil or better yet, have your secretary do the writing, while
you fill in the blanks and help George W. write a speech. When
you're finished, tear it out and mail it with your $1000 campaign
donation to George W. Bush Campaign Headquarters, Box Don't-Call-Me-Junior,
Austin, Texas. Make sure you include your address so he can send
you a bumper sticker with his new campaign slogan: "Vote
For George W. Bush - His Zipper Is Welded Shut."
My fellow (Americans
/ Texans / frat brothers / y'alls),
I am here today in (Washington / Austin / my limo / your
bank) to tell you why I should be the next president of the
United States. But first, let me (tell you a story / say
a prayer / check your credit). Eight years ago, (Bill
Clinton / Mr. Happy Pants / Hillary's gopher) took office
and proceeded to (destroy / undermine / have sex on / attempt
to sell) everything that my father and Ronald Reagan put in
place in Washington. Now his (vice president / trainee /
lookout / pimp), Al Gore, wants to continue that program.
He says he's (a friend / a lover / the inventor) of the
environment, but he continues to pollute America with his
(liberal talk / tax-and-spend policies / bean sprout farts).
He says that he (is an expert in / is the inventor of / can
be seen nude on) the Internet, but so far, all he's done is
teach his boss how to (download porn / win at Solitaire /
upload porn). I plan to change all of this with (my compassionate
conservatism / your money / Chuck Heston's arsenal). There
has been some question about my (relationship with / kissing
up to / pledging fraternities at) Bob Jones University. Let
me assure my Catholic friends that I (am not prejudiced /
don't hate the Pope / won't ban bingo) and let me also assure
my African-American friends that I (am not bigoted / don't
hate Jesse Jackson / won't ban the WB Network). There is no
truth to the rumor that (the NRA / big business / my mother
/ Willie Nelson) will be running the country if I'm elected.
Since we're discussing rumors, there is also no truth to the
one that I used coke (in my youth / in my limo / on my cereal).
In regards to my foreign policy, I plan to (warn / invade
/ memorize the names of) any country possessing (nuclear
weapons / cruise missiles / pictures of me dancing nude on a
bar) to show that this will not be tolerated under my administration.
I know some of you think I'm constantly (sneering / jogging
/ daydreaming / wishing I was Jeb) but I promise that by Election
Day, you will know that I am (the best man for the job /
really sneering / Jeb in disguise). In conclusion, I want
to share with you this (thought / prayer / coke / thing I
got in a fortune cookie): a vote for George W. Bush for president
in November is a vote for (America / conservatives / a guy
with the same name as another president). Thank you and God
bless (America / Y'all / Linda Tripp / my mom for naming
me George)!
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