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Help George W. Write a Speech
by Paul Seaburn
Calling all Republicans! George W. Bush needs
your help. Did you hear his last speech? He sounded like a Texas
frat boy trying to play Trivial Pursuit at a keg party. So he's
fired all his speech writers that Dad gave him and sent them back
to their rest home in Connecticut where they sit around and blame
each other for writing "Read my lips." That's where
you come in. It's an easy job. You don't need a dictionary or
thesaurus because George W. doesn't want to baffle the American
public with his brilliance ... he just wants to make Al Gore look
like Clinton Lite, with one-third less moral character than the
regular Clinton. So grab your Mont Blanc pen or golf scorecard
pencil or better yet, have your secretary do the writing, while
you fill in the blanks and help George W. write a speech. When
you're finished, tear it out and mail it with your $1000 campaign
donation to George W. Bush Campaign Headquarters, Box Don't-Call-Me-Junior,
Austin, Texas. Make sure you include your address so he can send
you a bumper sticker with his new campaign slogan: "Vote
For George W. Bush - His Zipper Is Welded Shut."
My fellow (Americans
/ Texans / frat brothers / y'alls),
I am here today in (Washington / Austin / my limo / your
bank) to tell you why I should be the next president of the
United States. But first, let me (tell you a story / say a
prayer / check your credit). Eight years ago, (Bill Clinton
/ Mr. Happy Pants / Hillary's gopher) took office and proceeded
to (destroy / undermine / have sex on / attempt to sell) everything
that my father and Ronald Reagan put in place in Washington. Now
his (vice president / trainee / lookout / pimp), Al Gore,
wants to continue that program. He says he's (a friend / a
lover / the inventor) of the environment, but he continues
to pollute America with his (liberal talk / tax-and-spend
policies / bean sprout farts). He says that he (is an expert
in / is the inventor of / can be seen nude on) the Internet,
but so far, all he's done is teach his boss how to (download
porn / win at Solitaire / upload porn). I plan to change all
of this with (my compassionate conservatism / your money /
Chuck Heston's arsenal). There has been some question about
my (relationship with / kissing up to / pledging fraternities
at) Bob Jones University. Let me assure my Catholic friends
that I (am not prejudiced / don't hate the Pope / won't ban
bingo) and let me also assure my African-American friends that
I (am not bigoted / don't hate Jesse Jackson / won't ban the
WB Network). There is no truth to the rumor that (the NRA
/ big business / my mother / Willie Nelson) will be running
the country if I'm elected. Since we're discussing rumors, there
is also no truth to the one that I used coke (in my youth
/ in my limo / on my cereal). In regards to my foreign policy,
I plan to (warn / invade / memorize the names of) any country
possessing (nuclear weapons / cruise missiles / pictures of
me dancing nude on a bar) to show that this will not be tolerated
under my administration. I know some of you think I'm constantly
(sneering / jogging / daydreaming / wishing I was Jeb)
but I promise that by Election Day, you will know that I am (the
best man for the job / really sneering / Jeb in disguise).
In conclusion, I want to share with you this (thought / prayer
/ coke / thing I got in a fortune cookie): a vote for George
W. Bush for president in November is a vote for (America /
conservatives / a guy with the same name as another president).
Thank you and God bless (America / Y'all / Linda Tripp / my
mom for naming me George)!
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