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Like most Americans, I, George W. Bush, started out as a single sperm. However, unlike most people, I found myself racing up a very politically prominent fallopian tube that belonged to none other than Mrs. Barbara Bush, my mom. She had recently married a young up-and-coming politician named George Bush. That's how I got my name, in case you're wondering. Later dad became President of these United States, and as Commander- in-Chief, he kicked Saddam Hussein's ass pretty good, as I remember. I guess as a sperm I was pretty lucky to find myself sent racing up my particular mom's fallopian tube by the man who would one day be the President of these United States. But, let's not give too much credit to good luck. Think about it - as a sperm, I must have been one hell of a good swimmer! How else could you explain my being born? My good luck continued. I was raised by really swell household domestics, and sent to the very finest private schools money could buy. Sure, I was a wild ass (excuse my French), snorted coke and boffed my share of girls. But I think I made mom and dad pretty darn proud by maintaining a straight C-average in school. My luck continued because I grew up to be a really handsome guy. I don't want to seem immodest, but the women voters think I'm sexy. It's all in the genes, I guess, but remember, I wouldn't have earned those great genes if, as a sperm, I hadn't been a really fast swimmer. Thank you very much. Now, by now, you probably all know that I am currently the Governor of the Great State of Texas. As the head of the largest state in the country (I'm not counting Alaska because it's not even attached), I have had to make a lot of really important life and death decisions. Because, read my lips, I am who I am, and I can assure you, the American public, that 100% of my decisions have been 100% correct. When I am president, I will continue to be 100% correct in 100% of my decisions. Even my dad has said, "This boy will do a great job" and he's right, of course. Wow! Look at the time! Have I gone on too long? I guess by now you've all gotten my point. In America it's not enough to just be lucky, you've also got to be a really fast swimmer.
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