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Have you heard Al Gore give a
speech lately? How did you stay awake? He's about as interesting
as Ken Starr's sex life. Just because it's a stump speech, that
doesn't mean he has to sound like one. This guy must be hiring
speech-writers from Sominex. Al needs some help getting his point
across so that George W. Bush's speech-writers can understand
it and write his rebuttal. That's where you can help. All you
have to do is fill in the blanks in this speech with what you
think Al should say. When you're finished, tear it out and mail
it to: Al Gore For President Campaign Headquarters, The Red-White-and-Blue
Double-wide, Nashville, Tennessee. Make sure you include your
address so he can send you a bumper sticker with his new campaign
slogan: "Al Gore: He Keeps His Pants On One Leg At A Time."
My fellow (Americans / Democrats / Buddhists / nerds
/ dope-smokers), I am here today in (America / Washington
/ a fog / your face) to tell you why I should be your next
President. First, I want to assure you that I'm not (Bill
Clinton / asleep / owned by China / pussy-whipped). My experience
as vice president has prepared me to become (president / comatose
/ Barney's backup / vice president again). On the other hand,
my worthy opponent's only experience to prepare himself for the
White House is as a (governor / baseball owner / president's
son / drug user). My military experience as a photographer
in Vietnam, while not as impressive as (John McCain / Rambo
/ G.I. Joe / Beetle Bailey)'s, is still better than my opponent's
stint (flying over / getting drunk in / getting laid in /
mooning) Texas. I'd like to take this opportunity to correct
(an ugly rumor / an unfortunate leak / a lie that backfired)
about me: I did not invent the Internet. However, I still have
much more (computer knowledge / email / virus software / downloaded
porn) than my opponent, and as president I will work to insure
that the Internet becomes the most important (tool / time-waster
/ porn provider) in our public schools. During this tough campaign,
my wife (Tipper / Mary / Blondie / Little Miss No-Rap-Music-In-The-House)
has been (a saint / a bitch / a true supporter / an athletic
supporter) and will bring some well-needed (respect / dignity
/ good looks / silence) to the job of First Lady. As for the
rest of the family, my daughter Karenna Gore Schiff is a lawyer
and works on my (campaign staff / facial expressions / bunions)
at night, while my other daughter Kristen is a (writer
/ high-paid gopher / spy / political appointee) on my favorite
TV show, (Futurama / Who Wants To Be A Millionaire / Win Ben
Stein's Money / Kung Fu). Both got their jobs the old-fashioned
way, by (hard work / connections / deals for campaign contributions
/ hidden cameras). Their brother, Al III, can't wait to get
to the White House and (play / learn the business / look under
Clinton's desk). Speaking of (President Clinton / Mr. M.
Peachme / the Sperminator), I want to thank him for his (support
/ absence / porn collection) and look forward to (welcoming
him back to / kicking him out of) the White House whenever
he's in town. To my (good friend / co-conspirator / only lesbian
pal) Hillary, good luck in New York and thank you for your
(support / absence / investment advice / pictures of Bill
and Monica). And to all the voters in America, let me leave
you with this (promise / warning / joke I got in my email):
A vote for Al Gore in November is a vote for (America / China
/ Clinton-Lite / a human sleeping-pill). Thank you and God
bless (America / the teachers who passed George W. Bush).
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