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Have you heard Al Gore give
a speech lately? How did you stay awake? He's about as interesting
as Ken Starr's sex life. Just because it's a stump speech, that
doesn't mean he has to sound like one. This guy must be hiring
speech-writers from Sominex. Al needs some help getting his point
across so that George W. Bush's speech-writers can understand
it and write his rebuttal. That's where you can help. All you
have to do is fill in the blanks in this speech with what you
think Al should say. When you're finished, tear it out and mail
it to: Al Gore For President Campaign Headquarters, The Red-White-and-Blue
Double-wide, Nashville, Tennessee. Make sure you include your
address so he can send you a bumper sticker with his new campaign
slogan: "Al Gore: He Keeps His Pants On One Leg At A Time."
My fellow (Americans / Democrats / Buddhists
/ nerds / dope-smokers), I am here today in (America /
Washington / a fog / your face) to tell you why I should be
your next President. First, I want to assure you that I'm not
(Bill Clinton / asleep / owned by China / pussy-whipped).
My experience as vice president has prepared me to become
(president / comatose / Barney's backup / vice president
again). On the other hand, my worthy opponent's only experience
to prepare himself for the White House is as a (governor
/ baseball owner / president's son / drug user). My military
experience as a photographer in Vietnam, while not as impressive
as (John McCain / Rambo / G.I. Joe / Beetle Bailey)'s,
is still better than my opponent's stint (flying over / getting
drunk in / getting laid in / mooning) Texas. I'd like to take
this opportunity to correct (an ugly rumor / an unfortunate
leak / a lie that backfired) about me: I did not invent the
Internet. However, I still have much more (computer knowledge
/ email / virus software / downloaded porn) than my opponent,
and as president I will work to insure that the Internet becomes
the most important (tool / time-waster / porn provider) in
our public schools. During this tough campaign, my wife (Tipper
/ Mary / Blondie / Little Miss No-Rap-Music-In-The-House) has
been (a saint / a bitch / a true supporter / an athletic
supporter) and will bring some well-needed (respect /
dignity / good looks / silence) to the job of First Lady.
As for the rest of the family, my daughter Karenna Gore Schiff
is a lawyer and works on my (campaign staff / facial expressions
/ bunions) at night, while my other daughter Kristen is a
(writer / high-paid gopher / spy / political appointee) on
my favorite TV show, (Futurama / Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
/ Win Ben Stein's Money / Kung Fu). Both got their jobs the
old-fashioned way, by (hard work / connections / deals for
campaign contributions / hidden cameras). Their brother, Al
III, can't wait to get to the White House and (play / learn
the business / look under Clinton's desk). Speaking of (President
Clinton / Mr. M. Peachme / the Sperminator), I want to thank
him for his (support / absence / porn collection) and
look forward to (welcoming him back to / kicking him out
of) the White House whenever he's in town. To my (good
friend / co-conspirator / only lesbian pal) Hillary, good
luck in New York and thank you for your (support / absence
/ investment advice / pictures of Bill and Monica). And to
all the voters in America, let me leave you with this (promise
/ warning / joke I got in my email): A vote for Al Gore in
November is a vote for (America / China / Clinton-Lite /
a human sleeping-pill). Thank you and God bless (America
/ the teachers who passed George W. Bush).
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