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Al Gore's Green Tips Edited by Ken Gammage My fellow Americans, we are at a crossroads. We can either march together into a clean, "green" world, or we can all continue with our filthy habits and foul our own nests. The choices are ours to make, and I'm here to help you make the right decisions. 1. Cook with 'gray water.' Clear, fresh water falls from the skies, but it takes the water department a long time, and a lot of energy to make it flow from your home taps. We can conserve precious water by reusing it. Just put pots and pans in the shower with you, and when they're full, use that 'gray' water for cooking. Not in soups or sauces, perhaps, where residual soaps and dirt might affect the flavor. But 'gray water' is ideal for steaming vegetables or boiling potatoes. 2. Wear your clothes four times before washing. There really is no such thing as an environmentally friendly detergent. So reducing the amount of wash we do can save water and help restore the environment. Why not do what the Gores do at home: wear clothes at least 4 times between washes (3 times for underwear and socks). Tipper thought of this neat reminder so you won't forget, "Wear four art thou, Romeo?" 3. Insulate with used Pampers or Huggies. We all know that insulating our homes can save energy, and many people already have pink fiberglass in their attics and crawlspaces. But fiberglass is manufactured in a process that itself uses lots of energy. If you haven't already insulated, or still have some airspace above the pink layers, you might do what the Gores do: recycle used 'disposable' diapers as insulation for your attic. Not many people know that Pampers and Huggies have a high 'R-value,' and the pungent fragrance discourages rodents and other pests. 4. Utilize the latest Enviro-Tech Products! Scientists are not the ghouls and destroyers of Mother Earth that a lot of my colleagues in the environmental movement accuse them of being. Far from it! The field of Green Research is fruitful, and these are just a few of the brave new appliances you should be using: Personal Methane Capture Devices or 'fart compressors,' are not new (the Germans used them during WWII), but are now technologically feasible for the ordinary citizen. The special ergonomic plug and 'flat-tube' PVC piping make it easy to capture methane while sitting or standing. If you find that your personal flatulence is insufficient to cook your backyard soyburgers on the gas grill, simply switch to a diet higher in legumes. Consuming protein items lower down on the food chain saves energy and helps our economy. Teenage Wrist Generators. Consider the normal teenage boy. Or perhaps I should say, consider the 'ordinary' teenage boy. If he's anything like I was before I met Tipper, he's a mass of inchoate longings, desires and fantasies looking for an outlet. Just as Americans dammed mighty rivers to harness hydroelectric power, now we can tap into a heretofore underutilized energy resource: rapid wrist movement. The Virtual Reality model, with its special headset and Michael Jackson "Beat It" power glove, is still on the drawing board, but the current 1-kilowatt manufacturer model is built tough, and can help reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Comes with a tube of Vaseline and a subscription to Playboy. Nasal Wind Turbine. How often I've lain awake at night, listening to Tipper's startlingly realistic impression of the overtime shift at a large lumber mill, and wondered how to harness such impressive energy. Now there's a way to do it - two ultra miniaturized 'ram jet' turbines that plug right into her nostrils. They'll generate enough electricity to recharge the batteries on your golf cart! Thoughtfully, the designers included an industrial strength muffler. I purchased two sets of these things, and I'm giving one to Bill. I understand Hillary has a lot in common with my wife. Condom Repair Kit. You know our motto: "Recycle. Recycle. Recycle." I think our planet has about come to the end of its rope with so-called 'disposable' products. And these little latex pork-packets have a half-life in our landfills of over 2.4 billion years. So something needed to be done. Goodyear picked up the ball and ran with it, and with a little up-market design help from Mr. Oscar de la Raincoat, they came up with a condom repair kit for pocket or purse! A quick vulcanized hot patch, and your baby barriers are structurally intact again and ready for more action! 5. Oh, one last energy-saving tip. I'd keep this one in the back of your mind this fall, when the leaves turn and it starts to get a little chilly. Don't turn up the thermostat. Just tape some of Obama's speeches, then replay them on those long cold nights this winter, I guarantee you'll feel all hot under the collar in no time! |
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