 |
| |
| Exclusive
to LCG |
 |
Vice
Presidential
Knock-out |
| |
 |
| |
| She's
a "10" says Joe! |
| |
"Anyone
who knows me, knows I hardly ever lie," said Joe
Biden. "Sarah Palin is a stone ten and you can
take that to the bank," he added. "I would
have done a whole lot better at our debate if I hadn't
been so distracted by her perfume and long legs –
and those glasses, man – sexy and smart,
what a combination! She's unbeatable. What a knock-out!"
he enthusiastically opined.
No matter the outcome, Biden sees this election as a
win-win for him. "If she wins, she'll preside over
the Senate so I'll have a chance to get to know her
better," Biden explained. "If we win, she'll
go back to Alaska, where I hope to visit her on a number
of energy ‘fact-finding' trips. Man, I love this
country!" declared Biden with a grin. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
That
ain't a hairdo
that's a hair don't!
|
| |
 Gov.
Rod Blagojevich is set to introduce his own line of
hair care products under the brand name: MF Hair Helmet.
He has assured the group of Chicago investors backing
him that the business can be run from prison. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Inauguration
Menu Announced |
| |
| Michelle
Obama has enlisted the aid of Oprah Winfrey to plan the menu
for the Inauguration Dinner, according to Loose Change
Gazette sources. Here’s what will be served: |
| |
Bail
Out Pork Balls in whine sauce
Spread the Wealth faux caviar served on Messiah toast points
Platitude Plate of Pork Belly
Ultra-left Chicken Wings
Reverend Wright Ribs
Rack of Layoff Lamb
Health Care Reform Ravioli stuffed with Pork and served with
an In The Red Sauce
Chicago Deep Dish / Pay to Play Pizza
Arabs in a snow storm pudding
Chosen One Coffee with cream
Tums |
| |
|
|
|
|
 |
|
Barney
Franks
in development |
| |
According
to company sources, Oscar Mayer is developing a new hot dog
aimed at reviving lagging sales to the children's market.
The low-fat chicken hot dogs will be purple and feature Barney
the Dinosaur as pitchman.
Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank has not returned our
phone calls. |
| |
 |
|
| Obama
bowed, but Bush puckered up! |
| |
|
|
| |
OBAMA
Narrowly Escapes
Menopausal Mob |
|
Pledges
to Outlaw
Controversial Practice |
|
| What
was billed as an opportunity for healing and a bid for party
unity turned ugly on Tuesday afternoon, as Democrat presidential
nominee Barack Obama was first heckled and then virtually
chased from the stage by an agitated crowd of Hillary supporters
demanding extended family & medical leave, more paid time
off, and subsidized hormone replacement. When Obama pleaded
for unity "for the good of the Democratic party,"
the mood of the overwhelmingly female crowd quickly turned
ugly. First loud chanting broke out: "Hil-lar-ry!"
and "Forget Petraeus - Howard Dean Betrayed Us,"
an apparent reference to the disputed Michigan and Florida
primaries.Shielded
by aides, Obama returned to the podium and finally mollified
the angry crowd by pledging that his first act as president
would be to outlaw lesbian hunting. The pledge was largely
symbolic since Wisconsin is the only remaining state that
still has a lesbian hunting season, (New Mexico banned the
practice in 1969.)Obama
related a tragic incident where a large bull lesbian had been
gut-shot by a hunter and escaped into the woods. The wounded
lesbian turned rogue and, attracted by his plaid shirt, mauled
a Mexican gardener. She was eventually captured and euthanized
via an intravenous injection of estrogen."We
must work together to prevent tragedies like this from ever
happening again," Obama told the wildly cheering crowd. |
| |
|
|
| |
Sarah
Palin Lobbies ABC to
Join "Dancing with the Stars" |
| |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Ready
for change America? |
| |
 Hi
I'm Barry! All ya gotta do is pull up on the rack and
I'll drain that nasty old conservative sludge! Then
we'll pop the hood, give you a new reality filter plus
five quarts of the finest 30 weight Liberaline and you'll
be on your way. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| MOOSE |
|
| It's
What's For Winter! |
| |
"In
Alaska, we call the moose Northern Food Stamps," says
Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. "Just like government
assistance, a good-sized bull moose can feed a family of four
for an entire Winter," she adds. Mrs. Palin has generously
given us her acclaimed moose stew recipe, which we pass on
to our readers.
Sarah's Moose Stew
- 4 slices bacon, cut up
- 5 md onions, chopped
- 1 clove
- 3 Lg potatoes cubed with skin on
- 1 16oz pk fresh or frozen green beans
- 2 bay leaves
- 2 lb moose, cubed
- 6 carrots, peeled and sliced
- 1 pk fresh or frozen peas
- 1 cup of good red wine
- 1 (46 oz.) can tomato juice
First shoot, bleed out and field dress the moose. Feed entrails
to your sled dogs. Return home with carcass. Butcher, wrap
and freeze moose meat in meal size portions. Retain moose's
head for wall decor.
Okay, let's get started. Brown bacon in iron kettle. Add moose
meat and brown on all sides. Add onions and sauté.
Add all remaining ingredients and simmer 90 minutes or until
flavors are mixed and vegetables and moose meat are tender.
Remove bay leaves. Serve with hot homemade bread and ice cold
American or home-brewed beer. Receive accolades from family
and friends. |
| |
|
|
| |
Alaska
Governor Sarah Palin reportedly contacted ABC executives shortly
after the Republican defeat to urge them to consider her for
the roster of celebrity contestants on "Dancing with
the Stars."
Network insiders confirmed Palin’s interest in competing
on the show, but said she seemed less interested in the media
exposure than the clothing allowance and the chance to stay
in the lower 48 just a little bit longer.
Palin submitted an audition video of her dancing the lambada
in full costume. According to network employees who have viewed
the tape, Palin showed some major moves which she attributes
to all the practice she gets with the First Dude during those
endlessly long, dark winter nights.
Palin suggested the show’s producers add another dance
style as they did earlier this season with Hip Hop. She recommended
several dances popular in her state including Drill Here,
Drill Now, Mush Mush, the Maverick and Moose Humping.
Former Democratic Congresswoman Geraldine Ferraro is reportedly
miffed that the show's producers are considering Palin's request.
"I can dance circles around that Bimbo," Ms. Ferraro
told reporters. |
| |
|
|
| |
| You
gotta see this! |
|
| Is
this the car of the future? |
| |
|
|
| |
<<
Loose Change Gazette
Return to Page 1 |
|
