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The Loose Change Gazette
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Vice Presidential
Knock-out
 
Sarah Palin vs Joe Biden
 
She's a "10" says Joe!
 
"Anyone who knows me, knows I hardly ever lie," said Joe Biden. "Sarah Palin is a stone ten and you can take that to the bank," he added. "I would have done a whole lot better at our debate if I hadn't been so distracted by her perfume and long legs – and those glasses, man – sexy and smart, what a combination! She's unbeatable. What a knock-out!" he enthusiastically opined.

No matter the outcome, Biden sees this election as a win-win for him. "If she wins, she'll preside over the Senate so I'll have a chance to get to know her better," Biden explained. "If we win, she'll go back to Alaska, where I hope to visit her on a number of energy ‘fact-finding' trips. Man, I love this country!" declared Biden with a grin.
 
 
That ain't a hairdo
that's a hair don't!
 
Gov. Rod BlagojevichGov. Rod Blagojevich is set to introduce his own line of hair care products under the brand name: MF Hair Helmet.

He has assured the group of Chicago investors backing him that the business can be run from prison.
 
 
Inauguration Menu Announced
 
Michelle Obama has enlisted the aid of Oprah Winfrey to plan the menu for the Inauguration Dinner, according to Loose Change Gazette sources. Here’s what will be served:
 
Bail Out Pork Balls in whine sauce

Spread the Wealth faux caviar served on Messiah toast points

Platitude Plate of Pork Belly

Ultra-left Chicken Wings

Reverend Wright Ribs

Rack of Layoff Lamb

Health Care Reform Ravioli stuffed with Pork and served with an In The Red Sauce

Chicago Deep Dish / Pay to Play Pizza

Arabs in a snow storm pudding

Chosen One Coffee with cream

Tums
 
   
Barney Franks
in development
 
According to company sources, Oscar Mayer is developing a new hot dog aimed at reviving lagging sales to the children's market.

The low-fat chicken hot dogs will be purple and feature Barney the Dinosaur as pitchman.

Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank has not returned our phone calls.
 
Obama bowed, but Bush puckered up!
 
 
OBAMA
Narrowly Escapes
Menopausal Mob
Pledges to Outlaw
Controversial Practice
What was billed as an opportunity for healing and a bid for party unity turned ugly on Tuesday afternoon, as Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama was first heckled and then virtually chased from the stage by an agitated crowd of Hillary supporters demanding extended family & medical leave, more paid time off, and subsidized hormone replacement. When Obama pleaded for unity "for the good of the Democratic party," the mood of the overwhelmingly female crowd quickly turned ugly. First loud chanting broke out: "Hil-lar-ry!" and "Forget Petraeus - Howard Dean Betrayed Us," an apparent reference to the disputed Michigan and Florida primaries.Shielded by aides, Obama returned to the podium and finally mollified the angry crowd by pledging that his first act as president would be to outlaw lesbian hunting. The pledge was largely symbolic since Wisconsin is the only remaining state that still has a lesbian hunting season, (New Mexico banned the practice in 1969.)Obama related a tragic incident where a large bull lesbian had been gut-shot by a hunter and escaped into the woods. The wounded lesbian turned rogue and, attracted by his plaid shirt, mauled a Mexican gardener. She was eventually captured and euthanized via an intravenous injection of estrogen."We must work together to prevent tragedies like this from ever happening again," Obama told the wildly cheering crowd.
 
 
Sarah Palin Lobbies ABC to
Join "Dancing with the Stars"
 
Sarah Palin - Dancing with the Stars
   
Ready for change America?
 
Bill Clinton PimpHi I'm Barry! All ya gotta do is pull up on the rack and I'll drain that nasty old conservative sludge! Then we'll pop the hood, give you a new reality filter plus five quarts of the finest 30 weight Liberaline and you'll be on your way.
 
 
MOOSE
It's What's For Winter!
 
"In Alaska, we call the moose Northern Food Stamps," says Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. "Just like government assistance, a good-sized bull moose can feed a family of four for an entire Winter," she adds. Mrs. Palin has generously given us her acclaimed moose stew recipe, which we pass on to our readers.

Sarah's Moose Stew

- 4 slices bacon, cut up
- 5 md onions, chopped
- 1 clove
- 3 Lg potatoes cubed with skin on
- 1 16oz pk fresh or frozen green beans
- 2 bay leaves
- 2 lb moose, cubed
- 6 carrots, peeled and sliced
- 1 pk fresh or frozen peas
- 1 cup of good red wine
- 1 (46 oz.) can tomato juice

First shoot, bleed out and field dress the moose. Feed entrails to your sled dogs. Return home with carcass. Butcher, wrap and freeze moose meat in meal size portions. Retain moose's head for wall decor.

Okay, let's get started. Brown bacon in iron kettle. Add moose meat and brown on all sides. Add onions and sauté. Add all remaining ingredients and simmer 90 minutes or until flavors are mixed and vegetables and moose meat are tender. Remove bay leaves. Serve with hot homemade bread and ice cold American or home-brewed beer. Receive accolades from family and friends.
 
 
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin reportedly contacted ABC executives shortly after the Republican defeat to urge them to consider her for the roster of celebrity contestants on "Dancing with the Stars."

Network insiders confirmed Palin’s interest in competing on the show, but said she seemed less interested in the media exposure than the clothing allowance and the chance to stay in the lower 48 just a little bit longer.

Palin submitted an audition video of her dancing the lambada in full costume. According to network employees who have viewed the tape, Palin showed some major moves which she attributes to all the practice she gets with the First Dude during those endlessly long, dark winter nights.

Palin suggested the show’s producers add another dance style as they did earlier this season with Hip Hop. She recommended several dances popular in her state including Drill Here, Drill Now, Mush Mush, the Maverick and Moose Humping.

Former Democratic Congresswoman Geraldine Ferraro is reportedly miffed that the show's producers are considering Palin's request. "I can dance circles around that Bimbo," Ms. Ferraro told reporters.
 
 
You gotta see this!
Is this the car of the future?
 
 
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Election '08 Was Crazy!
 
It was a media circus! Every day the election news got a little stranger. Joe the Plumber got his own PR firm. There was a shortage of beer and cigarettes in the battleground states after ACORN paid its voter registration staff. And, the RNC spent over $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe.

There are still a lot of questions swirling around Campaign 2008: Did John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate help or hurt? Will Barack Obama's rock star status fade? Were the rumors true that John McCain was suffering from electile dysfunction? Will the Hollywood sign be changed to "Obamawood"?

Will the Clintons seek the White House in 2012? Will Joe Biden ever find his common sense? Is the media really biased? (Heh, heh!) Will Oprah change her mind now and have Sarah Palin on her show? Does anyone care what Hollywood celebrities think? It's all been great theater!

One thing's for sure: The road to the White House was a bumpy one filled with thrills, chills and spills. Grab some of our political funny money and get in on the insanity!
 
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